Communication 101: The Art of Listening Well

Listening well is the hallmark of good communication between two people –

especially in relationships. However, people who talk more believe that they are better

communicators than those who speak less, have trouble finding the right words, or take

a while to gather their thoughts. Saying what you think is good, but it is only half of the

equation. One must also listen well. When we listen well, the person we are talking to

feels heard, understood and viewpoint is validated as much as our own - even if we

disagree. Yes, it is possible to listen well, even if we disagree. How? By developing

these three fundamental skills:

1. Develop patience. Impatience is the enemy of good communication. One

person may think “out loud” and get frustrated when whoever they are talking to

processes their thoughts internally. The inability to tolerate even a moment of

silence may cause person A to try to fill in the blanks, judge person B as going

too slowly and may cut them off just as they are ready to speak. I see this often

in my couples practice. The more talkative person A does not recognize their

part in creating difficult communication and labels person B as a “bad

communicator”. However, if person B needs more time to process, and/or likes

to choose their words carefully, this is neither good or bad. It is just different.

Talkers hate silence and see it as a “waste of time”. Sighing, rolling eyes,

sucking one’s teeth or looking at a phone does not signal patience. Person A’s

actions telegraph disinterest, and contempt for person’s B process.

Additionally, if person A angrily demands person B to, “Just say it. Say it!

Say what you need to say!” with a condescending tone can cause the other to

say something half-baked or to shut down and give up entirely. If we find it hard

to tolerate our partner’s slower pace, the problem is not them. Over time,

impatience kills attempts at communication, and people who process internally or

slowly will be reluctant to talk at all.

2. Don’t interrupt to “correct the record”. Sometimes, people say they want

their partner to talk to them, and when they finally do, they don’t like what the

partner has to say. Instead of listening, they interrupt and cut them off mid-

sentence. Interruptions are always rude. Always! In my practice, often, I see

one person cut off the other angrily “that’s not what happened” followed by their

own interpretation of the experience. Most people have difficulty accepting that

two people can share an experience and have completely (sometimes opposing)

interpretations of what happened. People want to argue the “facts” as they see

them through the lens of their own experience and label it as objective. All of us

filter every experience we have through our own lens. That lens is made up of all

of who we are and usually all of what we have seen, heard, and felt in this

lifetime. Just because you are deeply passionate about your perception doesn’t

make it “right”. This may be labeled a world view. I call it the lens of life.

A lens of life is like a fingerprint, unique to each of us. Couples who get lost in arguing

about who is more accurate about the “facts” often never get to the actual issue

at hand. If you have ever stopped talking to your partner until they acknowledge

that you are right, you are asking your partner to abandon or deny their own

perception and adopt yours. This is how even small disagreements escalate into

major blow ups.

People who believe that the way they perceive the world is “correct” and

anyone who disagrees is wrong are often surprised when they find themselves

increasingly alone with fewer people wanting to talk to them. There are

numerous examples of how this plays out in the media. In intimate relationships,

it is not sustainable. Know-it-all people usually make bad partners. Learn to

accept differences in perception as just that. If you struggle to understand how or

why a person sees something differently from you, work on being curious instead

of angry. Ask questions to help you understand. Understanding another’s

perspective does not mean giving up yours. It is expansive, not reductive.

Mastering this one skill alone will improve your communication dramatically.

3. Listen for the meaning, not just for the words. Parroting back the exact words

is hearing, not listening. Listening includes understanding the meaning of what

was said. And above all, avoid being the word police. Trying to hold people to

the exact words they said without allowing corrections is emotionally immature.

In ten years of doing therapy, I have yet to meet anyone who has not ever

misspoken. . Everyone has had a turn at using words they didn’t intend –

especially when the matter at hand is deeply emotional. Playing “I gotcha” is a

destructive communication tactic.

Are you trying to communicate or trying to win? If you are more focused

on winning then understanding, challenging communication is not the problem.

This type of behavior can derail the conversation completely as two people then

argue about the words (wanting to play back the tape) instead to trying to get to

the meaning of what is being said. After your partner finishes talking, don’t just

blurt out your rebuttal. This behavior shows that you stopped listening before

they were finished and went to work on your defense. As a result, you missed

something and maybe something important. Instead, stop and consider the

underlying emotion of what was said and try summarizing what you heard and

check in to see if you got it right. Also, consider what else is going on. Is the

person upset, scared, distracted? All communication comes with some form of

emotion that can provide the biggest clue to the intended meaning. Pay attention

to that and you’re likely to be closer to understanding what the person is trying to

communicate, even if they can’t find the right words.

Finally, learning to listen well improves communication in all types of

relationships; with intimate partners, with friends, with family and with co-

workers. Please reach out and let me know how it goes. Good luck!